Wednesday, March 21, 2012


I've been thinking, this blogging endeavor actually reflects mental state at the moment.  Scattered.  I have a lot to say but I cant find the proper words to put it in a cohesive, readable format.  I have failed the Pagan Blog Project but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I'll use the prompts when I feel like writing but cant think of anything to say.  To be completely honest, I have been trying to write this post for about a month, so we will see how this turns out.

Its a strange time right now. My projects have stalled, but I think its more due to the cosmic "Take your time with this" vibe that comes on this period of Mercury Retro, rather than my ideas losing steam. I have a ton of ideas, creations, projects and other such endeavors that I am SOUL Excited to get rolling. (ooohhh... Soul Excited?)  Yes.. I feel the excitement of what these projects will bring and what they mean to me deeply in my soul, so Soul Excited fits! 

A lot of things in my life no longer serve me. Things no longer WORK for me and they have got to be changed.  This is evident in several areas of my 'normal' life.  Not the least of which are 2 major aspects in my life, my spirituality and my job. These things are either seemingly changing on their own, (spiritual) or the changes are being forced upon me (work.) Though, that is not entirely right either.  Its scary because this is part of  my IDENTITY.  When a person asks me what I do or who I am, my response is almost ALWAYS my job title or my spiritual identity or something like that.

"Hi, I'm Essa, office supervisor / Pagan-wiccan-something-or-other"

I am desperately tired of my job and all that it entails.  Its not a hard job, I often joke that a trained chimpanzee could do my job, and do it well.  the hardest thing that I have to do is make judgement calls and write memos.  Over the past 2 or 3 months, maybe longer if I look at it honestly,  I am filled with this immense dread and anxiety over dragging my ass into work.  I have been chalking this up to hating my job like most Americans, but the truth is I don't hate my fact, I LIKE my job. It confuses me but I cant ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach that screams 'NOOOOO!' whenever I sit down at my desk.

Spiritually speaking, If you follow the podcast you are aware of all of the talk about 'The Shift."  That is where I am right now in regard to my spiritual searching.  I am becoming more and more aligned to this idea of a shift in global consciousness happening right now.  I am finding it more and more difficult to weed out what I honestly believe, what I would believe if I had more information and what I definitely do NOT believe.  Losing and finding my spiritual identity in a rapid succession of peeks and valleys over and over and over is also pretty overwhelming.  Its hard to sort it all out.

Time.  Time is something I never can find enough of, though it seems that I have less time now than I ever had even though I only work 4 days a week. Isn't that odd?  My coven/circle/group of spiritual awesomeness made witches ladders two weeks ago.  TWO WEEKS. I finally JUST assembled mine last night.  Where did the last 2 weeks go? The last month? The last 3 months?

I  just want to do what I love.  I want to have a small business of my own, create when I feel moved to create, believe whatever it is in me to truly believe, be happy and have abundance in all aspects of my life.  I don't think that what I want is too much to ask.  I am much more likely to jump through hoops if they are my hoops 


  1. Mercury Retrograde tends to force the radio silence we don't see at other times of the year. Things just go quiet for three weeks and if they don't, all sorts of miscommunications happen if you force it. It's a great time to listen, though.

    1. Lis,
      Absolutely! I sometimes get to feeling like there is something wrong when I get really introspective, but I know in my head that it's a normal cycle. Thank you for the reminder, I needed it! xoxoxoxo

  2. Dearest Essa,

    (This is Suze ^_^) "Essa in Silence" is quite a thing, I would say. ^_^ I've been listening to your podcasts for a while, so I know - like millions around the globe - that you have plenty to say. Mercury Retrograde or not, it's perfectly fine if you feel like slowing down a tad, rethinking your steps and taking a moment to step back, contemplate the big picture of who you are and work on what needs to be adjusted.

    Just as sometimes we need to adjust our clothes, our hairstyle, maybe our make up, the moment will come when we need to adjust our behavior, our thinking, and other important things. It's part of life and it's okay. This shows that our path has been successful, that we've learned and we are ready for the next step.

    Change can scare us, may seem complicated, can leave us feeling at loss if the replacement doesn't come immediately, but as long as you go with the flow of your life, nothing can go wrong, right?

    I'll keep you in my prayers - the Divine doesn't really care about Mercury Retrograde ^_^ - so that things go smoothly on this phase. Also, please remember to take these difficulties close, keep them in mind, for there may come the moment you'll find someone going through the same ordeal, and you'll be able to help. :-D

    Blessings Beautiful!

    1. @Suze : Thank you for your awesome insight. Its so hard to see that for yourself sometimes and yes, I totally agree. I feel like I am in this strange inbetween kind of place right now, its a comfort to know that I am not the only one and you're right right right! And than you for your prayers, Ill remember you in mine as well! xoxoxoxo

  3. Big giant hugs, love. I completely understand.