I've been thinking, this blogging endeavor actually reflects mental state at the moment. Scattered. I have a lot to say but I cant find the proper words to put it in a cohesive, readable format. I have failed the Pagan Blog Project but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'll use the prompts when I feel like writing but cant think of anything to say. To be completely honest, I have been trying to write this post for about a month, so we will see how this turns out.
Its a strange time right now. My projects have stalled, but I think its more due to the cosmic "Take your time with this" vibe that comes on this period of Mercury Retro, rather than my ideas losing steam. I have a ton of ideas, creations, projects and other such endeavors that I am SOUL Excited to get rolling. (ooohhh... Soul Excited?) Yes.. I feel the excitement of what these projects will bring and what they mean to me deeply in my soul, so Soul Excited fits!
A lot of things in my life no longer serve me. Things no longer WORK for me and they have got to be changed. This is evident in several areas of my 'normal' life. Not the least of which are 2 major aspects in my life, my spirituality and my job. These things are either seemingly changing on their own, (spiritual) or the changes are being forced upon me (work.) Though, that is not entirely right either. Its scary because this is part of my IDENTITY. When a person asks me what I do or who I am, my response is almost ALWAYS my job title or my spiritual identity or something like that.
"Hi, I'm Essa, office supervisor / Pagan-wiccan-something-or-other"
I am desperately tired of my job and all that it entails. Its not a hard job, I often joke that a trained chimpanzee could do my job, and do it well. the hardest thing that I have to do is make judgement calls and write memos. Over the past 2 or 3 months, maybe longer if I look at it honestly, I am filled with this immense dread and anxiety over dragging my ass into work. I have been chalking this up to hating my job like most Americans, but the truth is I don't hate my job...in fact, I LIKE my job. It confuses me but I cant ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach that screams 'NOOOOO!' whenever I sit down at my desk.
Spiritually speaking, If you follow the podcast you are aware of all of the talk about 'The Shift." That is where I am right now in regard to my spiritual searching. I am becoming more and more aligned to this idea of a shift in global consciousness happening right now. I am finding it more and more difficult to weed out what I honestly believe, what I would believe if I had more information and what I definitely do NOT believe. Losing and finding my spiritual identity in a rapid succession of peeks and valleys over and over and over is also pretty overwhelming. Its hard to sort it all out.
Time. Time is something I never can find enough of, though it seems that I have less time now than I ever had even though I only work 4 days a week. Isn't that odd? My coven/circle/group of spiritual awesomeness made witches ladders two weeks ago. TWO WEEKS. I finally JUST assembled mine last night. Where did the last 2 weeks go? The last month? The last 3 months?
I just want to do what I love. I want to have a small business of my own, create when I feel moved to create, believe whatever it is in me to truly believe, be happy and have abundance in all aspects of my life. I don't think that what I want is too much to ask. I am much more likely to jump through hoops if they are my hoops
